The Pain of Hope

You always begin with the question: Again? Because it is so confusing and incomprehensible that love could be so elusive. But if it were that easy to find, I suppose it wouldn’t be as valuable as it really is. You see its value is inherent in the very thing that causes us to become naysayers and the very thing that builds the walls of pessimism and fear around the heart. I’m always wondering why I feel like the only one left on earth who it hasn’t happened for yet. So many close calls. Love’s inestimable simplicity betwixt complexity really kills me.

When you’re young, attraction is a bit more black and white. It is a matter of liking the other person. As you mature, you learn what you like and don’t like. And then you get a little older, and it changes. When you’re in your twenties, finding a relationship is both easier and harder at the same time. Easier because you’re experienced enough to know more about what you really do like and don’t like. But then harder, because all of a sudden, things surprise you, and you find out that so much more than just attraction stops us from finding love. Bad timing gets involved, along with the fear of anything that love has done to harm us. We keep ourselves from this very thing that we crave for.

I hate myself for being a romantic because I still believe in finding love and of course HOPE is always accompanied by PAIN. In an effort to protect myself, I make these vain attempts to become a cynic; a “glass is half empty” kind of person. But the romantic in me is also a loyalist and won’t let me take it too far. Ah, hope.